Lie Back and Think of England

Wow. This is a little different from my usual blogging fare, but I couldn't not write about it when I saw it.

I will start by saying that I shamelessly read most Prince William/Kate Middleton articles I come across. Assuming Spike and I still don't have cable at the time of their wedding, I'll probably beg our neighbor to DVR the big event for me. But I still feel justified in saying that if you would buy this product, you are taking royal wedding mania too far.

Yes, these are "Heritage Condoms" manufactured by Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction. They "Combin[e] the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be," and they "promise a royal union of pleasure."

Yet, if you look at the bottom of the page, you'll see that "Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs."

Well, if they're not suitable for contraception purposes, why buy them? What a silly question! Because they're "Presented in a timeless souvenir heirloom collector's box," duh! That's right--you can will them to your kids. Truly an heirloom for the ages. Who cares if Mom and Dad squandered your inheritance as long as they left you a timeless box of condoms?

I really can't imagine anyone actually buying these condoms, unless it was for a practical joke. Maybe I'm missing something here, though. After all, according to the website, "England boasts some of the finest lovemaking in the world, with a tradition of coitus going back generations." Well yes...coitus is, in fact, how you produce new generations. As far as England boasting some of the finest lovemaking in the world...I guess that's why I want to write a dirty romance novel set in Regency London. Maybe I will anachronistically give one of my couples Crown Jewels' "heritage love sheaths." That would surely turn the book into an instant best-seller! I'm imagining the scene going something like this:

# # #

"No!" John gasped, tearing his mouth away from Jane's. "I can't...we can't...not yet."

"Wh..what's wrong?" she managed to ask, fumbling to find the correct words. All she wanted were John's lip's on hers again, his hands tangled in her hair, the hot, hard length of his body pressed against her. Exhaling deeply, John held up a peremtory hand.


"Nothing," he replied, his deep voice husky with desire. "Nothing at all."

"Then why did you stop?" Jane whispered, a flush creeping up her neck as she began to return to her senses. She looked around and felt a pang of shame constrict her chest. Here she was, alone in her aunt's library with one of London's most notorious rakes--a rake who was, at the moment, only partially clothed. She swallowed convulsively and tugged her crumpled bodice up, wishing suddenly that it wasn't so fashionably low-cut.

The movement jerked John out of his lustful trance. "Wait," he murmured, his hand reaching out to trap hers as it clutched her lacy neckline. "Don't go. I want you. I must have you!" Tonight, and every night hereafter, he thought to himself as he bent down and began rummaging in the pocket of his discarded breeches. His hand closed around the object he sought, and Jane's breath caught at the look that smoldered in his dark brown eyes as he looked up at her. "I can't risk ruining you...not until we're married...so I need this." He straightened and held out his hand, revealing a small square purple packet. "A Crown Jewels Heritage Love Sheath!"

"Oh, John!" Jane's last vestiges of defense were swept away. As he lowered his mouth to hers once more, she surrendered to the wild new passion that coursed through her, secure in the knowledge that she was safe from unwanted consequences.


What neither of them knew was that this particular prophylactic was not suitable for contraception.

# # # 

I think that'll hold up under the most stringent of literary reviews, don't you? Now who wants to order some Will-and-Kate condoms? Personally, I think I'll save my money.