Angry!

I just need to get it out there: I'm angry. A lot. Just when I think Spike's schedule has gotten as bad as it can be, it gets worse. We're only 4 months into his rear-detachment command, and I already feel like I've had as much as I can take.

My husband is home (aka not deployed), but he's hardly ever really home.When he finally gets to come home from the office (usually after a 14 or 15 hour day), he's understandably too drained and tired to do much of anything other than sleep. He's also at work a fair amount on weekends. And when he and I do try to make plans, it seems as though he gets called in or has to stay late, without fail. I don't even look forward to the rare date night anymore because we can pretty much count on his phone buzzing in the middle of dinner. Then I get dropped off at home, pissed and disappointed, while he has to deal with the latest crisis.

I'm angry because this is not what I envisioned our first year of marriage being. (Welcome to the Army, right?)

I'm angry because our marriage and I always come second to Spike's job. Things that are important to me and even to Spike aren't important to the Army, so we just have to deal.

I'm angry because the only time I'm able to have a meaningful conversation with Spike is on the weekends (if we're lucky).

I'm angry because soldiers who get DUIs, are arrested, or do other ill-advised things get priority on his time and attention, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I know that's part of the job, but I think my cheerful forbearance ran out after the first 20 incidents or so.

I'm angry because if Spike stays in the Army he's going to deploy, and his time here with me really hasn't been what either of us would like it to be. On a daily basis, there's typically little to no time for "us." And somewhat more frivolously, we can't get away! I don't think going on vacation for a long weekend with my husband who has over 60 days of leave built up should be too much to ask, but apparently it is. I'm not gunning for the big trip to Ireland we want to plan, just 4 days at the beach. Or heck, even one night in Kansas City! (Although deep down, I really do want to take awesome-young-married-couple trips, the kind that might not be feasible once kids come along. Time is ticking.)

I'm also angry because Spike is working himself into the ground, literally giving everything he can to carry out his responsibilities, and is getting very little thanks or appreciation for it (that I can see, anyway). His attitude, patience, and perseverance are much better than mine would be if I were in his shoes. I think he deserves heartfelt recognition for the hundreds of things he does well every day, but instead he just gets grief for the few things that weren't completed to others' satisfaction.

The worst part is, I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not angry at Spike, he knows that, and I'm not about to take my frustrations out at him. I'm angry at circumstances, and I'm really having a problem cheerfully making the best of them. It's very important to both Spike and me that we grow together, not just co-exist in the same house. It scares me that there's much more of the latter going on, and that this will probably be the case at least until next spring.

I know that I might sound ungrateful, whiny, and selfish in this post. But I think we've all been there. At least with the military, I keep telling myself, everything is temporary. On the positive side, I'm still very proud of Spike for getting this command position, even if it makes me want to punch multiple people in the throat most days. And I've met a few spouses in the unit with whom I click pretty well, which is fabulous.

Dinner with a picture

Yesterday, I had a nice dinner with my friend Jenna and her husband. Jenna and I were dressed up, and her husband was looking pretty shiny himself. Our meal consisted of goat cheese bruschetta, filet mignon, champagne, and blackberry-lemonade ice cream. We were celebrating Jenna's second anniversary with her husband...who attended the meal in framed-picture form. He had his own chair and everything, and we addressed comments to him throughout the meal. He's deployed right now, so it was the best we could do.

I was very honored to be his conversational fill-in! Our waitress got into the spirit of the thing as well, and put a lit candle in the ice cream to mark the occasion.

Sometimes it's heart-wrenchingly obvious that life as a military spouse isn't "normal." But it can still be good with the help of friends. Here's to Jenna's husband's safe return so that they can, as he wrote on the card he sent with her flower delivery, "try to do one of these together next year."

Should I book it?

I haven't posted much recently because life has felt rather "blah." But I get the sense that I might be about to break free of the daily-grind quagmire in a big way. It has taken longer than I'd expected (don't most things?), but it's looking like I'll finally be cutting back from full-time work this month. I don't know how quickly the drawdown will happen, or even if this will be the final outcome, but I think my eventual goal is to be "contracted" in to do project work for my company instead of having a set-in-stone daily schedule. We'll see.

So, what am I going to be doing in my free time? Several ideas have been percolating, but the one I want to share with you poor sods (apparently my inner British gent is coming out, but I'm too lazy to delete that phrase and think of something new) is a book idea! I'm honestly thinking about writing a book, and I'm fairly committed to the idea.

A few weeks ago my neighbor Jenna and I were talking about how a lot of books for military spouses are great at giving you information and how-tos. So great, in fact, that you get the sense that if you learn enough and are prepared enough, military life will be straightforward. You'll know what to do, when to do it, and where to go in every situation. You'll never be surprised! Meanwhile, as your confidence builds with each chapter, the Military Gods are rolling in the floor and peeing their pants with laughter. (And that's not even mentioning the books that talk about etiquette, how to write the proper thank-yous, and when to wear white gloves.)

Now, Jenna and I are not trying to downplay the info-centric books and manuals. Not in the least. But we also said to ourselves, "Hey, don't you think other spouses in our situation would appreciate a more story-based book about the realities of the first year being a MilSpouse?" We're envisioning a short, witty, irreverent book in which each chapter contains one or more humorous stories on a certain topic; for example, the Commissary, On-Post Housing, Deployments, and Making Friends. We'd be aiming for the tone of Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life, without all the sleeping around. Perhaps Jenna and I are delusional narcissists, but we think that, between the two of us and our other acquaintances, we can come up with some compelling tales. Which I may test drive here on the blog.

The only book in this genre I've heard of is Mollie Gross' Confessions of a Military Wife. (I've never read it, and might continue to avoid it so I don't accidentally steal stuff from her.) Mollie is a Marine wife, so I figure there's at least a nominal niche for an Army book.

So, my questions are: is this a good idea? Would you read such a book, assuming publishers didn't laugh uproariously upon receiving the manuscript? (And is there a whole list of MilSpouse humor books of which I'm currently unaware? If so, please tell me!)

Easter Images

Me looking like an Easter egg.

Sunday walk along the river--wouldn't mind if this became a weekly ritual.

Dying eggs with friends

These egg-dying kits have gotten a lot more intense than they were in my childhood.

The fruits of our labors.

...We tried to dye the tip of Ellie's tail. You can see a faint blue color there now.

Me!

Spike! 

 

 

Ellie!

7 Things About Me

Do you ever compose blog posts in your head? I do. I'll be getting dressed, in the grocery store, walking the dog, etc., and I'll have a great idea for a blog post, which I then proceed to map out in my head. Problem is, I never actually get around to typing it up.

So now I'm playing catch up.

An embarrassingly long while ago, I was honored to get a blog award from Julie over at When Your Feet Don't Touch the Ground: the Versatile Blogger Award! (I think "versatile" sounds much better than "bewilderingly random." I like it!)

I have to share 7 things about myself....

1. My favorite herb to smell is basil. Cilantro might be my favorite one to taste, but that's a tough decision.
2. Even if I allowed my hair to be its natural color, my eyebrows would still be several shades darker.
3. I have bad vision and am, in fact, legally blind without corrective lenses. When I take my contacts out, in order to focus on the words in a book I have to hold it so close to my face that my nose gets in the way.
4. History is one of my favorite things in the world, but I don't believe you could pay me any amount of money to actually live in the past. I'd say no to a time machine.
5. I played piano for about 14 years, from age 3 to 17. It just didn't strike a chord with me (pun intended) so I quit. Now, wouldn't you know, I really want to learn to play the violin. Specifically, I want to be able to fiddle.
6. I regularly use outdated words and phrases like "methinks" and "perchance" in conversation. Along those lines, my all-time-favorite swear (I don't use it much and prefer to save it for special occasions) is "son of a one-legged, cross-eyed, syphilitic whore." I can't take credit, alas...it originated with my brilliant fellow medievalist Amber.
7. As of last week, I have violet/magenta streaks in my hair. My amazingly talented across-the-street neighbor put them in.

I will pass this award on to:
Lisa at Must Be Doin' Somethin' Right
Poekitten at Many Waters
The Unlikely Wife at The Unlikely Wife Adventures

And now, to whet your appetite for an upcoming post (I promise this will make it from my head to the Internet), a little teaser: The next big trend is poopting.

Beware the Crazy Lady

Me: Did you talk to that lady today?

Spike: Which lady?

Me: The crazy lady.

Spike: Which crazy lady?

Apparently, there are a lot of them running around here.

Tuesday is Rant Day.

I haven't been blogging a lot lately...though I have been lurking. Sorry. I guess this makes me a blogosphere creeper. But you know what? I'm not really feeling ashamed of that.

Part of the reason I haven't written much lately is because work has been busybusybusy. My firm is in the process of wrapping a big project up, and I'm one of the point people on it. Of course, there are tons of loose ends to tie up that I didn't even realize existed. So, by the end of the day, I haven't felt like writing any more. I'm reminded of the FRIENDS episode in which Rachel is dating a gynecologist and she wonders why he hasn't showed much of an interest in being...ummm...intimate. The following conversation occurs:


Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?
Rachel: I'm a waitress.
Dr. Franzblau: Okay, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, "If I see one more cup of coffee..."


Heh heh heh...makes me chuckle every time. But that's how I feel about writing sometimes! I want to blog...but when it comes right down to it, I think, "It I see one more blank word processing screen..."

ALSO, I've been reluctant to blog because all of the topics I've thought of have been whiny ones. But you know...this is my blog, and I'll whine if I want to! (And hopefully, said whining isn't childish enough to drive people away.) In any case, I suspect I'm not alone.

Mostly, I've been frustrated recently by Spike's schedule, or lack thereof. Let me preface the following rant by saying that I know I'm lucky to have him here with me at all. I thank God every day that I get to have face-to-face conversations with him (even if they're not as frequent as I would like) and that his Company command ended up being for a rear detachment unit and not a deployed one.

That said--as some of you warned me it would be--this rear detachment command is already getting on my last nerve, because it's sucking up so much of his time. Spike comes home late nearly every evening, and nights and weekends aren't sacred anymore either. When we go to bed at night, I half-expect to be woken up by the buzzing of Spike's cellphone. It's a sound I am growing to loathe, because it means (at best) a series of calls to other people in the chain of command and at worst, a several-hour-long trip to the office. In the middle of the night, or during the weekend.

I guess I'm just angry because I'm not getting very much quality time to spend with my husband--time when he isn't preoccupied, stressed, tired, or getting ready to go somewhere. I miss having regular "us" time, and being able to semi-reliably plan ahead. This frustration is compounded by the fact that if Spike stays in the Army, odds are he will deploy at some point not too long after his rear-d command ends. Knowing that, is it too much to ask of the Army gods that we get to have more than 2 meaningful  hours a day together now, while Spike is actually here? (Plus, on a pettier note, if my husband is going to be working the hours of an investment banker...wouldn't it be nice if his salary matched? Now that, I KNOW, really is too much to ask-ha!)

Of course, my feelings are all exacerbated by the fact that my social circle here isn't huge, and by the fact that I haven't yet begun to look for a volunteer or part-time position that involves actual face-to-face interaction with real people, not my computer screen. However, hope is on the horizon. Once my big work project gets wrapped up, I am hoping to start my transition to part-time so that I can start to plant some roots. I know I'll feel somewhat better when I start to get out of the house more.

Okay. Rant over. And I do want to point out that I'm being very diligent about telling Spike that I'm frustrated with the Army, not with him. He's doing an outstanding job of juggling an ever-growing number of balls, and of handling some pretty messed-up situations that, shall we say, wouldn't be out of place on Springer or Maury. When I stop by the unit's office to see Spike (sometimes to drop off food so that he gets to eat!), I always leave so proud to be his wife.

Lastly, during my I-don't-feel-like-writing period, I got a blog award! I am going to post about that soon, but not today, because I don't want to taint the awesomeness with my griping.