I am so angry.
I committed a cardinal sin and allowed myself to believe
that Spike would be home by a certain date that was in the next-few-months
range. Now his redeployment date has been pushed back. Not only do I have to
wait longer; but his return assignment means he’ll be coming back with a
smaller group. I won’t even get the big, chaotic, crazy, exuberant redeployment
ceremony I was dreaming about.
I know in the grand scheme of things, the extra time I have
to wait isn’t that significant. I
know I will be so, so happy to have him home regardless of the size of the
ceremony. But I want him home sooner. I don’t want to have to tack
that extra month onto my mental countdown. Maybe it’s strange, but I was so
looking forward to seeing row upon row of soldiers march into a giant room full
of smiling families and posters, trying to spot mine, then running through a crowd of joyful people to find him. I
don’t want to have to let go of that experience for something later, smaller,
and quieter.
What a bizarre last straw. But right now, I can’t hold it
together. I’m so angry I want to physically destroy something, while at the
same time, I can’t stop tears from leaking out. I feel like I Just. Can’t. Do.
It. Anymore. I’m so tired of getting up and going to work and pretending that
everything is okay. Filling my time with constructive things so that I don’t
wallow has become exhausting.
Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic, but I feel like my experience
with the Army (after the Captain’s Career Course, which isn’t anything like real Army life) has been characterized
by letdowns. A small recent example: I haven’t gotten even one phone call from
my FRG during this deployment. Not one. And yes, I’ve reached out multiple
times to let the leaders know that I moved out of the state for my job, and
that I wanted to be in contact with a key caller.
I know it can always be worse, but that doesn’t make me feel
any less upset right now. I know it isn’t, but this feels like a personal affront. A kick in the teeth from a giant
faceless organization that clearly doesn’t consider or care about my feelings.
Ugh. I need some perspective. A need a way to drain all of
this anger and bitterness out of me before I explode. Any ideas?
Do you guys have an Ombudsman? I dont know how the army does things, but when the navy deploys, each command has an ombudsman (or a few depending on command size) that are like the liaisons between the families and the ship. They're there to relay information and be support if needed. Some are really active and really good and others just suck and you never hear from them. I've had both. As far as a way to drain all the anger and bitterness out? I've got no suggestions... I think its part of it. It WILL get better. You WILL get less angry as homecoming draws nearer. This is probably the hardest part of deployments... the dreaded extension. I always have a countdown and it inevitably gets extended and I go through this nasty bout of anger and frustration. Once my number hits certain numbers (99, 49, and 29 are my biggies... lol) I start to breathe easier and feel better. Figure out what your numbers are and look forward to those. And before you know it, you'll be at single digits and you WILL have somehow made it through.
ReplyDeleteUGH!!!!! You have every right to be angry. Homecoming shouldn't be wrought with more let-down and yours is. And it's okay to be mad about missing the big ceremony, the good-for-nothing FRG, and how not okay your experience has been. It is okay to be done. Spike had a tough job before deployment and I think you do need a break from the very harsh realities of war. It'll be over soon. Until then, pop a cork and pet some furries. I wish I had better things to say.
ReplyDeleteIt's perfectly acceptable to be mad. The Army can suck hardcore. I think the big ceremony is overrated anyway (but that doesn't make the later date any easier). Honestly, I could do without the screaming kids and cowbells. The guys tend to be exhausted and aren't thrilled for so much noise. The whole ceremony feels like a moment for the Army to say we care and put on a show. I actually think you could have a better experience because it won't be necessarily about an army show but an actual reintegration. Also, less people means less time to turn in weapons. This probably isn't helping too much but I guess I am trying to get the point across that it isn't all it is cracked up to be.
ReplyDeleteDon't even get me started on the FRG. Ugh.
I have so much admiration for you, being an army wife cannot be easy. You have every right in the world to be upset because this is another month without the love of your life. It is okay to be upset about not having the big group because it is what you had in your mind but no matter what either way will be perfect.
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Hi Meg! I had a question for you about possibly collaborating on something and was hoping you could email me back to discuss? Thanks so much!
ReplyDelete- Emma
emmabanks9 (at) gmail (dot) com