I am so angry.
I committed a cardinal sin and allowed myself to believe that Spike would be home by a certain date that was in the next-few-months range. Now his redeployment date has been pushed back. Not only do I have to wait longer; but his return assignment means he’ll be coming back with a smaller group. I won’t even get the big, chaotic, crazy, exuberant redeployment ceremony I was dreaming about.
I know in the grand scheme of things, the extra time I have to wait isn’t that significant. I know I will be so, so happy to have him home regardless of the size of the ceremony. But I want him home sooner. I don’t want to have to tack that extra month onto my mental countdown. Maybe it’s strange, but I was so looking forward to seeing row upon row of soldiers march into a giant room full of smiling families and posters, trying to spot mine, then running through a crowd of joyful people to find him. I don’t want to have to let go of that experience for something later, smaller, and quieter.
What a bizarre last straw. But right now, I can’t hold it together. I’m so angry I want to physically destroy something, while at the same time, I can’t stop tears from leaking out. I feel like I Just. Can’t. Do. It. Anymore. I’m so tired of getting up and going to work and pretending that everything is okay. Filling my time with constructive things so that I don’t wallow has become exhausting.
Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic, but I feel like my experience with the Army (after the Captain’s Career Course, which isn’t anything like real Army life) has been characterized by letdowns. A small recent example: I haven’t gotten even one phone call from my FRG during this deployment. Not one. And yes, I’ve reached out multiple times to let the leaders know that I moved out of the state for my job, and that I wanted to be in contact with a key caller.
I know it can always be worse, but that doesn’t make me feel any less upset right now. I know it isn’t, but this feels like a personal affront. A kick in the teeth from a giant faceless organization that clearly doesn’t consider or care about my feelings.
Ugh. I need some perspective. A need a way to drain all of this anger and bitterness out of me before I explode. Any ideas?