Husband's impending deployment is probably not a good reason to sing "If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me..." under my breath.
Fortunately, Spike thinks it's funny and joins in with "Ooh ooh ooh no baby please don't go."
Honestly, I'm feeling pretty fortunate because Spike was originally told he'd leave at the end of April. We were less than 48 hours from "the drop-off," his bags were all packed and by the door, and his entire family was here to see him off...and then. And then we found out that his chain of command had somehow distributed completely incorrect information, and that no one, Spike included, was EVER slated to deploy on the original date. So we got a three-week reprieve.
We didn't have enough advance notice or flexibility to plan a big vacation, but we have squeezed in two weekend getaways. And every afternoon when I finish work, Spike is downstairs waiting to hang out. We both agree that we've spent more meaningful time together since the end of April than we did in the entire year during which he was a rear detachment commander.
So, my faith in the Army Gods has been restored somewhat. (Somewhat being the key word here.) We'll see if I'm still singing that tune at the end of the week.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I need an attitude adjustment.
I really didn't think anyone would read my blog after such a long silence. (Over months and months of feeling stuck in a so-so groundhog day, I really wasn't feeling much inspiration to write. Also, newsflash: apparently I'm a real Debbie Downer.) But there's nothing like that fun word--deployment--to make a stalled blogger start hitting the keyboard again. Those awful thoughts can only circle your mind for so long before you need to get them OUT, or else.
All of the comments on my last post didn't make be feel "better," exactly; I'm not sure "better" is in the offing for anyone preparing to send a spouse to a war zone. But they did make me feel less alone, which might be even more valuable.
I live on a military base. I'm very much an introvert so I don't have a wide social circle, but in my neighborhood and while volunteering at the USO I do meet lots of people with spouses who have/are deployed or will be deploying. With only a few exceptions, most people who hear that Spike is deploying stick solely to the positives. Like, It'll make your marriage stronger. You'll get to fall back in love all over again when he comes home. You'll have the opportunity to meet lots of amazing women who are also in your shoes and focus on sisterhood. You can write and paint more. Etc. I know all those things are true, and I know that the people saying them are offering me good advice and a perspective that I sorely need to adopt. But at this moment, it's not working.
The thing is, right now, all of those comments make me want to grind my teeth together and perhaps commit an act of violence. Not to the person encouraging me; just in general. After all, I don't want to have to fall back in love again. I didn't get married to focus on sisterhood or to write and paint; I got married to be with the man I love! I have to stop and remind myself that the following is true, as infuriating as it might be to hear: "You married him. You knew this was a possibility when you said 'I do.' And even now, in this situation, you still wouldn't think of doing anything different for even a nanosecond."
But what I remember reading somewhere once is also true: If you see a baseball flying toward your face, it doesn't hurt any less on impact just because you saw it coming.
Anyway, I'm rambling away from my point. Here it is: It really, really, helped to read, "Deployments suck." Having that acknowledgement from others who have been there is really what I need to hear right now. And also, it's easier for me to believe encouragement from someone once she--or he--has uttered that simple statement. Hearing it from a couple good friends here on base has also helped immensely because I know I'm not the only one who doesn't always have the stomach to put a positive face things. Because of what everyone, here and online, has shared, I'm going to believe that once the goodbyes are said I'll feel more like focusing on all of the silver linings.
All of the comments on my last post didn't make be feel "better," exactly; I'm not sure "better" is in the offing for anyone preparing to send a spouse to a war zone. But they did make me feel less alone, which might be even more valuable.
I live on a military base. I'm very much an introvert so I don't have a wide social circle, but in my neighborhood and while volunteering at the USO I do meet lots of people with spouses who have/are deployed or will be deploying. With only a few exceptions, most people who hear that Spike is deploying stick solely to the positives. Like, It'll make your marriage stronger. You'll get to fall back in love all over again when he comes home. You'll have the opportunity to meet lots of amazing women who are also in your shoes and focus on sisterhood. You can write and paint more. Etc. I know all those things are true, and I know that the people saying them are offering me good advice and a perspective that I sorely need to adopt. But at this moment, it's not working.
The thing is, right now, all of those comments make me want to grind my teeth together and perhaps commit an act of violence. Not to the person encouraging me; just in general. After all, I don't want to have to fall back in love again. I didn't get married to focus on sisterhood or to write and paint; I got married to be with the man I love! I have to stop and remind myself that the following is true, as infuriating as it might be to hear: "You married him. You knew this was a possibility when you said 'I do.' And even now, in this situation, you still wouldn't think of doing anything different for even a nanosecond."
But what I remember reading somewhere once is also true: If you see a baseball flying toward your face, it doesn't hurt any less on impact just because you saw it coming.
Anyway, I'm rambling away from my point. Here it is: It really, really, helped to read, "Deployments suck." Having that acknowledgement from others who have been there is really what I need to hear right now. And also, it's easier for me to believe encouragement from someone once she--or he--has uttered that simple statement. Hearing it from a couple good friends here on base has also helped immensely because I know I'm not the only one who doesn't always have the stomach to put a positive face things. Because of what everyone, here and online, has shared, I'm going to believe that once the goodbyes are said I'll feel more like focusing on all of the silver linings.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The "D" Word
I knew the "d" word would apply to us eventually. I guess I always assumed we'd have more warning, though. Right on the heels of Spike's 13-month rear-detachment command (during which he was at the office 60-80 hours a week, called in at nights and on weekends, unable to leave the immediate area, and only able to take 5 days of leave--can you tell I'm frustrated?) he will be transferred to a unit that is deploying. At this point we are told it will be for a year, not for 9 months. We found out two weeks ago, and we're looking at a departure within the next month to month and a half.
I'm sure everyone with a soon-to-deploy spouse is angry at something. My "something" is the fact that I practically lived with a ghost for the past year, and now my husband will be gone altogether. However irrationally, I feel that the Army asked us to put our personal plans on hold last year , and now we have to defer all of that--travel, weekend adventures, visits to see family, and heck, dinner without being interrupted by a work call--yet another year. It's like I'm watching the grains of sand in our pre-child, just-us hourglass trickle away unused. I'm tired of my husband being told that I, his wife, am not allowed to be his priority.
I know, I know, I'm hardly the only one who has experienced this sort of thing. But it's much easier to be angry than to let myself feel all of the other emotions. Shock, terror, worry, anxiety, and even anticipatory grief. If I let myself explore beyond the anger I just break down. The intensity of it scares me. I start to cry, and literally feel like my world is crumbling around the edges. I wonder how I will manage to exist for that long without Spike here. I feel as though the lights in my world are about to be turned off indefinitely. Thinking about spending more time with friends, going home to see my family, and picking up new hobbies doesn't help; not really.
That's when I realize how fortunate I was to have Spike here with me last year, no matter how hard he had to work, how tired he was when he came home, or how little freedom we had. At least I could touch him every day, kiss him at night, and know that the person whom I love most in the world was here and loved me back the same way. When I think about him leaving, I realize just how much I need him to feel whole and happy.
It really amazes me that millions of men and women have gone through this same tsunami of emotions during this decade-plus of war. I know that a majority of them had to feel the same way I do, but in most cases, you'd never know it. We're so good at putting on the "It will be hard, but I'll be all right, so don't worry about me" face. I'm already doing it myself. We don't let many people see that while we're continuing on with daily life and doing what needs to be done, there's a part of us that feels like it's hurtling toward a breakdown.
Logically, I know that I can "do this." We can "do this." Spike and I grew closer and fell more deeply in love during this challenging rear detachment command, so I know we will survive a deployment. But it's still scary as hell.
I'm sure everyone with a soon-to-deploy spouse is angry at something. My "something" is the fact that I practically lived with a ghost for the past year, and now my husband will be gone altogether. However irrationally, I feel that the Army asked us to put our personal plans on hold last year , and now we have to defer all of that--travel, weekend adventures, visits to see family, and heck, dinner without being interrupted by a work call--yet another year. It's like I'm watching the grains of sand in our pre-child, just-us hourglass trickle away unused. I'm tired of my husband being told that I, his wife, am not allowed to be his priority.
I know, I know, I'm hardly the only one who has experienced this sort of thing. But it's much easier to be angry than to let myself feel all of the other emotions. Shock, terror, worry, anxiety, and even anticipatory grief. If I let myself explore beyond the anger I just break down. The intensity of it scares me. I start to cry, and literally feel like my world is crumbling around the edges. I wonder how I will manage to exist for that long without Spike here. I feel as though the lights in my world are about to be turned off indefinitely. Thinking about spending more time with friends, going home to see my family, and picking up new hobbies doesn't help; not really.
That's when I realize how fortunate I was to have Spike here with me last year, no matter how hard he had to work, how tired he was when he came home, or how little freedom we had. At least I could touch him every day, kiss him at night, and know that the person whom I love most in the world was here and loved me back the same way. When I think about him leaving, I realize just how much I need him to feel whole and happy.
It really amazes me that millions of men and women have gone through this same tsunami of emotions during this decade-plus of war. I know that a majority of them had to feel the same way I do, but in most cases, you'd never know it. We're so good at putting on the "It will be hard, but I'll be all right, so don't worry about me" face. I'm already doing it myself. We don't let many people see that while we're continuing on with daily life and doing what needs to be done, there's a part of us that feels like it's hurtling toward a breakdown.
Logically, I know that I can "do this." We can "do this." Spike and I grew closer and fell more deeply in love during this challenging rear detachment command, so I know we will survive a deployment. But it's still scary as hell.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Summer Run-Down
It appears that I blog in cycles. I didn't realize it had been this long since my last post, though! Here's a quick recap since the end of June:
Those are the facts; I really don't know what to say about how I feel about this other than that these incidents make me angry, terrified, devastated, and other gut-churning things I can't accurately identify. And that is with my husband home, however crappy his job might be. To say that I admire the families whose loved ones are downrange is a vast understatement.
Let's end on a good note, though. Tomorrow is our one-year anniversary! It has definitely been the best one of my life.
- I am now working 30 hours a week and volunteering at the USO center here on post. I enjoy it and feel a lot more connected to the community.
- I went blonde and am now back as a redhead...that's ultimately what I want to see when I look in the mirror.
- Spike and I got to go on vacation! We had less than a week's notice to plan it, but we weren't about to allow an opportunity to escape get away from us, so we went to Winter Park, Colorado. LOVED it.
- We painted an accent wall in our living room and in my office, so our space is a little less generic. Take that, government housing!
- For the past two months temperatures have regularly been around 110 degrees. I had NO IDEA that Kansas was this miserably hot! Finally, we're down in the 80s.
Those are the facts; I really don't know what to say about how I feel about this other than that these incidents make me angry, terrified, devastated, and other gut-churning things I can't accurately identify. And that is with my husband home, however crappy his job might be. To say that I admire the families whose loved ones are downrange is a vast understatement.
Let's end on a good note, though. Tomorrow is our one-year anniversary! It has definitely been the best one of my life.
Friday, June 24, 2011
MilSpouse Friday Fill-In: 24 June, 2011
It's been awhile since I've done a Fill-In. So back to the fun! If it tickles your fancy, join in and read other responses at Wife of a Sailor!
1. Are you a different person than you were five years ago? submitted by Sisterly Thoughts
Let's see...five years ago I was getting ready to start my senior year of college. So yes, I think I'm very different than I was then. My core values haven't changed, but I do believe I've done a lot of growing up.
2. If you could go on Amazing Race, who would you take with you as your partner and why? submitted by Thoughts from a Poekitten
I've only watched a few episodes of the show, but I think Spike would be the natural choice. We work well together, and more to the point, he's got all those Army survival/endurance skills. He can fly a plane, is a certified rescue diver, and is a decent mechanic. Plus, he'll eat just about anything.
3. Does Facebook or Twitter actually bring more stress or good in to your life? submitted by Just an Arizona Girl
I don't "Do the Twitter," but I am on Facebook. For me, it's pure entertainment. I don't post often, but I lurk and observe quite a bit. I'd say it's a good thing.
4. June is National Soul Food Month- what’s your soul food? submitted by NH Girl Displaced
Pinto beans and all types of Mexican food!
5. If you could live in any other era than the current, which one would it be & why? submitted by Sugar in My Grits
Tough question. History is my academic passion, but as I think most historians would agree, you couldn't pay me any amount of money to actually live in my era of interest (the Middle Ages, specifically; Anglo-Saxon pre-Conquest England). I would observe daily life from INSIDE the time machine. If I had to pick an era, I guess I'd go with Regency England, but only (warning, I'm about to be classist) if I could be a member of the gentry or aristocracy.
1. Are you a different person than you were five years ago? submitted by Sisterly Thoughts
Let's see...five years ago I was getting ready to start my senior year of college. So yes, I think I'm very different than I was then. My core values haven't changed, but I do believe I've done a lot of growing up.
2. If you could go on Amazing Race, who would you take with you as your partner and why? submitted by Thoughts from a Poekitten
I've only watched a few episodes of the show, but I think Spike would be the natural choice. We work well together, and more to the point, he's got all those Army survival/endurance skills. He can fly a plane, is a certified rescue diver, and is a decent mechanic. Plus, he'll eat just about anything.
3. Does Facebook or Twitter actually bring more stress or good in to your life? submitted by Just an Arizona Girl
I don't "Do the Twitter," but I am on Facebook. For me, it's pure entertainment. I don't post often, but I lurk and observe quite a bit. I'd say it's a good thing.
4. June is National Soul Food Month- what’s your soul food? submitted by NH Girl Displaced
Pinto beans and all types of Mexican food!
5. If you could live in any other era than the current, which one would it be & why? submitted by Sugar in My Grits
Tough question. History is my academic passion, but as I think most historians would agree, you couldn't pay me any amount of money to actually live in my era of interest (the Middle Ages, specifically; Anglo-Saxon pre-Conquest England). I would observe daily life from INSIDE the time machine. If I had to pick an era, I guess I'd go with Regency England, but only (warning, I'm about to be classist) if I could be a member of the gentry or aristocracy.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Lucky
I wrote my "Angry!" post last week mostly for myself, just to vent. I was touched by the number of sympathetic responses I got: a couple of comments here, a very nice email from a friend, and several phone calls from people I didn't even realize read this blog! Thanks, guys.
In one of those funny twists of fate, the day I wrote the post Spike actually made it home at 6:30 and we got to spend a few hours together before going to bed. He didn't know I'd written about my frustrations, but (for those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother) in one of those Marshall-Lily telepathy moments, started talking about his rear-d command and how he wasn't happy with the effect it was having on our little family. Without being prompted by me, he echoed many of my own frustrations--which was exactly what I needed to hear. He actually made me get a little weepy-eyed by picking up his favorite picture of us and saying something along the lines of, "Every time I see this picture I'm reminded of the fact that I tricked the best woman in the world into marrying me. I hate that I'm not able to give her all of the love and attention she deserves right now. Eventually something will have to give, and it's not going to be my family."
I'm pretty sure I don't deserve him.
Anyway, we talked about what the future might hold for us after this command is over. It's pretty much a big, giant unknown. Spike doesn't necessarily WANT to get out of the military, but since his commitment ends next February, we're going to a job fair tonight just so he can start getting an idea of what some other alternatives might be. It never hurts to be informed.
And lastly, randomly, here's a photobooth strip Spike and I did the last time we stuck our heads into the mall.
In one of those funny twists of fate, the day I wrote the post Spike actually made it home at 6:30 and we got to spend a few hours together before going to bed. He didn't know I'd written about my frustrations, but (for those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother) in one of those Marshall-Lily telepathy moments, started talking about his rear-d command and how he wasn't happy with the effect it was having on our little family. Without being prompted by me, he echoed many of my own frustrations--which was exactly what I needed to hear. He actually made me get a little weepy-eyed by picking up his favorite picture of us and saying something along the lines of, "Every time I see this picture I'm reminded of the fact that I tricked the best woman in the world into marrying me. I hate that I'm not able to give her all of the love and attention she deserves right now. Eventually something will have to give, and it's not going to be my family."
I'm pretty sure I don't deserve him.
Anyway, we talked about what the future might hold for us after this command is over. It's pretty much a big, giant unknown. Spike doesn't necessarily WANT to get out of the military, but since his commitment ends next February, we're going to a job fair tonight just so he can start getting an idea of what some other alternatives might be. It never hurts to be informed.
And lastly, randomly, here's a photobooth strip Spike and I did the last time we stuck our heads into the mall.
 |
| As you can see, he thinks it's hysterical to lick me. |
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Angry!
I just need to get it out there: I'm angry. A lot. Just when I think Spike's schedule has gotten as bad as it can be, it gets worse. We're only 4 months into his rear-detachment command, and I already feel like I've had as much as I can take.
My husband is home (aka not deployed), but he's hardly ever really home.When he finally gets to come home from the office (usually after a 14 or 15 hour day), he's understandably too drained and tired to do much of anything other than sleep. He's also at work a fair amount on weekends. And when he and I do try to make plans, it seems as though he gets called in or has to stay late, without fail. I don't even look forward to the rare date night anymore because we can pretty much count on his phone buzzing in the middle of dinner. Then I get dropped off at home, pissed and disappointed, while he has to deal with the latest crisis.
I'm angry because this is not what I envisioned our first year of marriage being. (Welcome to the Army, right?)
I'm angry because our marriage and I always come second to Spike's job. Things that are important to me and even to Spike aren't important to the Army, so we just have to deal.
I'm angry because the only time I'm able to have a meaningful conversation with Spike is on the weekends (if we're lucky).
I'm angry because soldiers who get DUIs, are arrested, or do other ill-advised things get priority on his time and attention, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I know that's part of the job, but I think my cheerful forbearance ran out after the first 20 incidents or so.
I'm angry because if Spike stays in the Army he's going to deploy, and his time here with me really hasn't been what either of us would like it to be. On a daily basis, there's typically little to no time for "us." And somewhat more frivolously, we can't get away! I don't think going on vacation for a long weekend with my husband who has over 60 days of leave built up should be too much to ask, but apparently it is. I'm not gunning for the big trip to Ireland we want to plan, just 4 days at the beach. Or heck, even one night in Kansas City! (Although deep down, I really do want to take awesome-young-married-couple trips, the kind that might not be feasible once kids come along. Time is ticking.)
I'm also angry because Spike is working himself into the ground, literally giving everything he can to carry out his responsibilities, and is getting very little thanks or appreciation for it (that I can see, anyway). His attitude, patience, and perseverance are much better than mine would be if I were in his shoes. I think he deserves heartfelt recognition for the hundreds of things he does well every day, but instead he just gets grief for the few things that weren't completed to others' satisfaction.
The worst part is, I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not angry at Spike, he knows that, and I'm not about to take my frustrations out at him. I'm angry at circumstances, and I'm really having a problem cheerfully making the best of them. It's very important to both Spike and me that we grow together, not just co-exist in the same house. It scares me that there's much more of the latter going on, and that this will probably be the case at least until next spring.
I know that I might sound ungrateful, whiny, and selfish in this post. But I think we've all been there. At least with the military, I keep telling myself, everything is temporary. On the positive side, I'm still very proud of Spike for getting this command position, even if it makes me want to punch multiple people in the throat most days. And I've met a few spouses in the unit with whom I click pretty well, which is fabulous.
My husband is home (aka not deployed), but he's hardly ever really home.When he finally gets to come home from the office (usually after a 14 or 15 hour day), he's understandably too drained and tired to do much of anything other than sleep. He's also at work a fair amount on weekends. And when he and I do try to make plans, it seems as though he gets called in or has to stay late, without fail. I don't even look forward to the rare date night anymore because we can pretty much count on his phone buzzing in the middle of dinner. Then I get dropped off at home, pissed and disappointed, while he has to deal with the latest crisis.
I'm angry because this is not what I envisioned our first year of marriage being. (Welcome to the Army, right?)
I'm angry because our marriage and I always come second to Spike's job. Things that are important to me and even to Spike aren't important to the Army, so we just have to deal.
I'm angry because the only time I'm able to have a meaningful conversation with Spike is on the weekends (if we're lucky).
I'm angry because soldiers who get DUIs, are arrested, or do other ill-advised things get priority on his time and attention, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I know that's part of the job, but I think my cheerful forbearance ran out after the first 20 incidents or so.
I'm angry because if Spike stays in the Army he's going to deploy, and his time here with me really hasn't been what either of us would like it to be. On a daily basis, there's typically little to no time for "us." And somewhat more frivolously, we can't get away! I don't think going on vacation for a long weekend with my husband who has over 60 days of leave built up should be too much to ask, but apparently it is. I'm not gunning for the big trip to Ireland we want to plan, just 4 days at the beach. Or heck, even one night in Kansas City! (Although deep down, I really do want to take awesome-young-married-couple trips, the kind that might not be feasible once kids come along. Time is ticking.)
I'm also angry because Spike is working himself into the ground, literally giving everything he can to carry out his responsibilities, and is getting very little thanks or appreciation for it (that I can see, anyway). His attitude, patience, and perseverance are much better than mine would be if I were in his shoes. I think he deserves heartfelt recognition for the hundreds of things he does well every day, but instead he just gets grief for the few things that weren't completed to others' satisfaction.
The worst part is, I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not angry at Spike, he knows that, and I'm not about to take my frustrations out at him. I'm angry at circumstances, and I'm really having a problem cheerfully making the best of them. It's very important to both Spike and me that we grow together, not just co-exist in the same house. It scares me that there's much more of the latter going on, and that this will probably be the case at least until next spring.
I know that I might sound ungrateful, whiny, and selfish in this post. But I think we've all been there. At least with the military, I keep telling myself, everything is temporary. On the positive side, I'm still very proud of Spike for getting this command position, even if it makes me want to punch multiple people in the throat most days. And I've met a few spouses in the unit with whom I click pretty well, which is fabulous.
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