I really didn't think anyone would read my blog after such a long silence. (Over months and months of feeling stuck in a so-so groundhog day, I really wasn't feeling much inspiration to write. Also, newsflash: apparently I'm a real Debbie Downer.) But there's nothing like that fun word--deployment--to make a stalled blogger start hitting the keyboard again. Those awful thoughts can only circle your mind for so long before you need to get them OUT, or else.
All of the comments on my last post didn't make be feel "better," exactly; I'm not sure "better" is in the offing for anyone preparing to send a spouse to a war zone. But they did make me feel less alone, which might be even more valuable.
I live on a military base. I'm very much an introvert so I don't have a wide social circle, but in my neighborhood and while volunteering at the USO I do meet lots of people with spouses who have/are deployed or will be deploying. With only a few exceptions, most people who hear that Spike is deploying stick solely to the positives. Like, It'll make your marriage stronger. You'll get to fall back in love all over again when he comes home. You'll have the opportunity to meet lots of amazing women who are also in your shoes and focus on sisterhood. You can write and paint more. Etc. I know all those things are true, and I know that the people saying them are offering me good advice and a perspective that I sorely need to adopt. But at this moment, it's not working.
The thing is, right now, all of those comments make me want to grind my teeth together and perhaps commit an act of violence. Not to the person encouraging me; just in general. After all, I don't want to have to fall back in love again. I didn't get married to focus on sisterhood or to write and paint; I got married to be with the man I love! I have to stop and remind myself that the following is true, as infuriating as it might be to hear: "You married him. You knew this was a possibility when you said 'I do.' And even now, in this situation, you still wouldn't think of doing anything different for even a nanosecond."
But what I remember reading somewhere once is also true: If you see a baseball flying toward your face, it doesn't hurt any less on impact just because you saw it coming.
Anyway, I'm rambling away from my point. Here it is: It really, really, helped to read, "Deployments suck." Having that acknowledgement from others who have been there is really what I need to hear right now. And also, it's easier for me to believe encouragement from someone once she--or he--has uttered that simple statement. Hearing it from a couple good friends here on base has also helped immensely because I know I'm not the only one who doesn't always have the stomach to put a positive face things. Because of what everyone, here and online, has shared, I'm going to believe that once the goodbyes are said I'll feel more like focusing on all of the silver linings.
I don't know why it may surprise you - I really enjoy your writing style, your story, and what you have to say. So yes, I still haven't removed you from my feed despite the months that have passed. I'm slowly realizing that blogging does take a backburning sometime when you're busy spending time with the person you blog about. We're dealing with 'workups' so he's more gone than here. So when he's here, my blog has crickets as a soundtrack. But seriously, come back when you want and entertain just me if that's all that's left. I'll still enjoy it!
ReplyDeleteUgh. It grates on my absolute last nerve when people say, "Well you knew this was a possibility when you married him". Yes, thank you, I realize that. It doesn't make it suck any less... in fact, it makes it that much worse that I went into this marriage knowing that there were going to be multiple times of separation and we still chose to do it... we spend a lot of our time just waiting/dreading deployments. We know that. It still sucks. I realize that people mean well whenever they say "supportive" things, but it never comes off as supportive... only condescending and NOT helpful.
ReplyDeleteOh, and PS.. I've been stalking..er... checking back to see if you've been writing...lol
I follow the same sentiments as Mrs. Wookie. I still have you on my newsfeed, because I enjoy your writing. Sometimes people just need time away. It's understandable; certainly not a reason to delete a person.
ReplyDeleteLet me also just say, yep, deployments suck! I actually had a wife who had the audacity to tell me that she enjoyed when her husband deployed because it gave her time to herself. Seriously?! Why are you married then? Once you say your see-you-laters, just keep your eye on the end. Every day brings you closer to that glorious moment when he's in your arms again. Keep your chin up. It will be hard, but you'll look back and see how strong you were, and your husband will love and recognize that strength.
I'm a new follower and it was refreshing to read your take on this upcoming deployment. We will be beginning our deployment in the next couple weeks. I look forward to following you!
ReplyDeletehttp://oceansizedlove.blogspot.com