Angry.

I am so angry.

I committed a cardinal sin and allowed myself to believe that Spike would be home by a certain date that was in the next-few-months range. Now his redeployment date has been pushed back. Not only do I have to wait longer; but his return assignment means he’ll be coming back with a smaller group. I won’t even get the big, chaotic, crazy, exuberant redeployment ceremony I was dreaming about.

I know in the grand scheme of things, the extra time I have to wait isn’t that significant. I know I will be so, so happy to have him home regardless of the size of the ceremony. But I want him home sooner. I don’t want to have to tack that extra month onto my mental countdown. Maybe it’s strange, but I was so looking forward to seeing row upon row of soldiers march into a giant room full of smiling families and posters, trying to spot mine, then running through a crowd of joyful people to find him. I don’t want to have to let go of that experience for something later, smaller, and quieter.

What a bizarre last straw. But right now, I can’t hold it together. I’m so angry I want to physically destroy something, while at the same time, I can’t stop tears from leaking out. I feel like I Just. Can’t. Do. It. Anymore. I’m so tired of getting up and going to work and pretending that everything is okay. Filling my time with constructive things so that I don’t wallow has become exhausting.

Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic, but I feel like my experience with the Army (after the Captain’s Career Course, which isn’t anything like real Army life) has been characterized by letdowns. A small recent example: I haven’t gotten even one phone call from my FRG during this deployment. Not one. And yes, I’ve reached out multiple times to let the leaders know that I moved out of the state for my job, and that I wanted to be in contact with a key caller.

I know it can always be worse, but that doesn’t make me feel any less upset right now. I know it isn’t, but this feels like a personal affront. A kick in the teeth from a giant faceless organization that clearly doesn’t consider or care about my feelings.

Ugh. I need some perspective. A need a way to drain all of this anger and bitterness out of me before I explode. Any ideas?

Deployment Brags

I know that a lot of my recent posts (infrequent though they may be) have had a negative tone--that's because I use this blog to "dump" my deployment-related emotions. I don't often talk about the deployment in real life, and only then to a select few people.

Anyway, I thought I'd change things up a bit before I (most likely) write a few sad pieces on missing Spike during the holidays...and brag on myself.

After a month or so of Spike being gone, and thanks to the tough love of some friends, I decided that I shouldn't spend the entire deployment in personal limbo. If I have no choice but to spend the better part of a year geographically spouse-less, I might as well use the time constructively.

As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I'm learning to play the violin. Now that I am back in North Carolina post R&R, I have resumed my weekly lessons. Learning new songs and hearing how much I'm progressing (compliments from my teacher don't hurt either!) makes me feel so empowered...maybe because it's something I have complete control over? I'm three songs away from finishing my beginner's book, and I've even played some simple Bach!

At the end of August I sucked it up and had iLASIK surgery done. Worth every penny of the money that would have otherwise gone into savings. (Thanks, Spike!) I went from not being able to read a book that was held 6 inches away from my face to working, driving, and living totally correction-free. And if you're thinking of having iLASIK done, I can honestly say that I felt no pain during the procedure, which only took about 10 minutes. Seriously, I am SUCH a weenie when it comes to medical stuff, and this was a breeze.

My last brag for now is that I've re-connected with art over the deployment. I always enjoyed drawing, painting, etc. in high school and college, but I haven't done much of it since then. Having periodic art projects to work on has honestly been therapeutic, because art is one of those things that gets me  into a state of "flow"--I stop feeling the passage of time and I'm totally focused on what's in front of me. Earlier this year I posted a pencil drawing I did of a friend's in-laws. Here are the other things I've worked on since Spike has been gone. Excuse the poor lighting and blurriness.

I did this for Spike as an anniversary present.  It's mixed media: tissue paper and paint on canvas. He always calls me his Lobster--if you've ever seen the Friends episode in which Phoebe explains her Lobster Theory, you know what he's referring to. There are love song lyrics behind the claws and paint.

I suppose you could consider this one art, though it didn't involve drawing. I thought it was going to be a simple, quick project--it wasn't! Took hours and hours to cut out all the strips of cloth and roll them up. But I like how it turned out.

I did this painting as a wedding present for a dear friend. I tore up the save-the-date, invitation, and wedding program and incorporated them into the piece.

Next I'd like to do a small painting of my dog...or a large one of me and Spike, if I can find a picture I like well enough.

I had considered doing National Novel Writing Month again this year (the challenge is to write 50,000 words during the month of November--I did it in 2009), but I don't think that's going to happen. It ate up all of my free time the first time around, and while I had a lot of fun, I was also frazzled, reclusive, and had tunnel vision focused solely on meeting my daily word quota. Not sure that's the best idea since I'm trying to stay as balanced, social, and positive as possible while this deployment drags on. But we shall see. I DO have a story idea. Poor Spike--my first round of NaNoWriMo happened right after we'd been matched on e-Harmony. I ignored him for the better part of a month. He'd probably be scared the same thing would happen again! And in any case, that story idea will keep until 2013.

Banner Day

When my dog Ellie and I got back to North Carolina, we were greeted by a banner made by my younger brother. You can see where his priorities lie....

It made me laugh. At least I got a small shout-out in the corner.


In other news, I think I can cross "the big crisis" that's supposed to happen during a deployment off my list...I was Car One in a three-car accident yesterday evening. I had stopped to wait on traffic in the other lane to break before turning left into my parents' driveway after work, and the car behind me had also stopped. However, the car behind them hardly slowed down, hit Car Two, and pushed it into me. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and my car (poor, poor Mini Cooper, less than a year old) is still driveable. I think it will need a new bumper. All in all, it could have been a lot worse. After the initial shock of being hit, I really wasn't that upset; after all, eleven years ago I had an accident in which I WAS the driver doing the rear-ending, so I know how easily it can happen. My parents commented on how calm I seemed. All I could think was, After living day and night with the knowledge that my husband is far away in a dangerous place, something happening to my car--with no human injuries--doesn't even compare.

But still, this counts as my Deployment Crisis, right?

Post-R&R Update

I forgot to write about the build-up, but I think I'll record the aftermath.

Toward the end of September, Spike left to go back to Afghanistan...again. He was home for his two weeks of R&R leave, which he received because his unit is scheduled for a 12-month deployment. Spike may not be gone for a full year since he was thrown into the deploying unit last-minute and had to stay behind to catch up on training, but he will still be gone longer than nine months...and I'm certainly not complaining that I got the time with him.

In a nutshell, our R&R "outing" was a four-day trip to Chicago, two of which were shared with Spike's parents. Mostly, though, at Spike's request we stayed home in Kansas. There were a couple day trips to Topeka and Kansas City, but it was surprising (to me, anyway) how nice the everyday, non-exotic things were: going to the grocery store together. Watching a movie. Smoking a cigar on the front porch (okay, maybe that one isn't normal for most people...). Driving into town and walking through mall. Washing the car in the driveway. Cooking dinner. I hadn't realized until Spike was home how much I missed doing those things as a couple; how lonely they could be as only one-half of a team.

I did notice myself trying to cling to the age-old coping mechanism of distancing myself to lessen the pain of separation, which I knew was coming. It didn't work. Dropping Spike off at the airport was still heartbreaking, but I managed to make it back home before I lost it. Small victories.

So now I'm preparing to drive back to North Carolina, where I intend to spend the remainder of the deployment. There, I'll be able to go into the office every day, which is helpful professionally and personally. (Working from home--aka being alone in the house all day, every day--is a recipe for depression, at least in my case.) Being able to interact with my co-workers in person has definitely been a silver lining of this deployment. Another silver lining is the fact that I get to see old, dear friends who still live in NC!

I'm hoping that the holiday rush (and fingers crossed--more violin lessons) makes the rest of the year go by quickly. And once 2013 hits, I think I'll be able to say that we're on the downhill slope of the deployment.

Election Season Rant

Let me preface this by admitting that it is a complete and total rant. But that’s what personal blogs are for, right? Also, I know that to some extent this post is the pot calling the kettle black, as not every word that comes from my mouth is dripping with perfume and honey. (Far from it.) That said…

One particular aspect of election season disgusts me. Why do we have to validate ourselves by demonizing others? Why do we have to define our own positions by telling others how and why they’re wrong? And why—instead of trying to work together and find common ground—do so many people spew hate and contempt?

I’ve removed several people from my Facebook newfeed because of obnoxious (and frankly offensive) political postings. So many things being shared are hateful, hurtful, bigoted, and devaluing. I don’t care what “side” you’re on (for the record, my personal beliefs don’t align perfectly with either of the major parties), but for heaven’s sake, don’t insult, demean, or belittle those who disagree with you. (Oh—and it might be helpful to fact-check before posting something inflammatory.)

There are multiple solutions to most problems. And if someone sees an issue differently than you do, that doesn’t automatically make them an idiot, stupid, or a sheep. They are not any less worthy as a human being or as an intellectual thinker because they have come to a different conclusion. Honestly, what do you hope to accomplish by throwing those types of accusations around?

Nothing constructive, productive, or helpful can come from this type of hate-filled, narrow-minded speech. All you are doing is making yourself look small-minded and prejudiced. You are attracting others who share your self-righteous worldview while repelling anyone who disagrees. You are making the divide worse and squandering an opportunity for mutually beneficial, constructive dialogue. And at the end of the day, is your quality of life any better after spreading opinions that only serve to tear others down?

…rant finished.

Lately I've been feeling tired. Tired of going through the motions of living a "normal" life when the truth is, life is pretty darn far from normal. There are a lot of "big" changes I could get used to--moving to a new place, starting a new job, etc.--but having my husband in a war zone is not one of them. I was warned that I would hit my first major wall around the three-month mark; I guess this is it. I think that three months is daunting because it feels like Spike has been gone for ages. I've had time to develop new routines, take up a new hobby, and resurrect an old one (more on that later), but we're not even close to being done. The majority of the deployment still stretches before us, and we're not even within hailing distance of the halfway point.

Besides the obvious worries that I refuse to dwell on or even type out, I think my biggest fear is what "the new normal" will turn out to be once this period in our lives is over. I can feel myself evolving and changing in ways that Spike isn't a part of. Even though we're very fortunate in that we are able to communicate regularly, Spike isn't participating in the changes I am--he's just hearing about them. I know the same thing is happening with him. It's true what they say: in many ways, we really will be two new people saying "hello" at homecoming, rather than the same two people picking up where they left off.

What I need to remind myself of is that the BIG things are remaining the same. My values, defining personality traits, character, and commitment aren't undergoing any big shifts. It's just that the trimmings are going to look a little different when Spike re-enters daily life in the flesh. I know that the same is true for him. And since those big things are what attracted us to each other in the first place, I know we'll be okay.

So, change of gear: since I put my original deployment project--writing a historical romance novel--aside due to the fact that I write more than enough at work these days, I am pursuing another goal that I've had for years: learning to play the violin. So far I've had three lessons and can produce a few recognizable, if not perfect, songs. Eventually, I want to focus in on bluegrass and Celtic fiddle tunes. Loving it so far! Practicing gives me something to look forward to every evening.

From my first lesson--hadn't yet begun to learn left hand fingerings at that point!

 I have also returned to doing art on a more regular basis. In June I created a pencil portrait of a friend's in-laws for her father-in-law's birthday.

Hadn't quite finished it in this shot, obviously, but it's almost there. 

Now I'm working on a painting of a good friend and her new husband as a wedding gift. I'll try to post a picture of it when I'm done, since it's in a completely different style.

So, I'm keeping busy and endeavoring to have productive things to show for my time.Onward and Upward.

Daydreams

They used to be about planning vacations, buying houses, and writing books.

Now they're about final countdowns, surprise homecomings, and the warm body I miss sleeping next to.

Funny how perspective can change.

Dear Unit FRG:

I understand the usefulness of Facebook as a way to disseminate information. However, next time you might want to think twice before posting that there will be a redeployment ceremony within the next 24 hours when it is the case that
A) No email was sent regarding said redeployment ceremony and
B) The ceremony only involves a small fraction of the unit's deployed soldiers.

Sincerely,
A spouse whose heart swelled with irrational hope while scrolling through her newsfeed, only to experience equally irrational crushing disappointment when she realized her husband wasn't involved.

P.S.--I'd also like to thank my husband's company FRG leader for finally sending out the first email I've received during this deployment, excluding the generic ones from the FRSA.

Apparently, the Army turns me into a toddler.

As always, I feel encouraged and honestly humbled by the responses to my angsty posts. Reading back over the last one, which was typed and published in an emotional hurry, I am struck by how whiny the last bit is. Looking at my words from a calmer place, I have realized that on some level, I’m expecting gentleness and sympathy—maybe even a touch of pity—from others because of my “situation.” I definitely haven’t been prepared for callous and/or uncaring responses I have received from time to time.

Those of you who pointed out that I have a right to my feelings, whatever they are, are absolutely correct. I’m going to keep that in mind going forward. What I don’t want to do is be a victim.

In general, I’ve noticed that the Army brings out my childish side. I guess that makes sense—in my adult life, I’ve never felt, or been, this powerless. As a military spouse I don’t get to decide where I live, how long I’m there, or (the real biggie) whether my husband is home with me or in a war zone. So yes, in some ways, I feel like a little kid whose life is being run by a parent, and I find myself coping by whining, But that’s not faiiiiir. Why me? Woe is me! Poor, poor me. Everybody, look at how much my life sucks compared to yours.

What I need to remember is that as an adult, I have access to healthier coping mechanisms. So somebody, please give me a metaphorical slap upside the head if you see me wallowing in an extended pity party. Save me from myself!

From now on, my goal is to acknowledge that yes, reality does suck more than usual. The extended absence of a spouse is a big deal, and it’s normal to be affected by that. I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay when it’s not. I may even set a timer when I’m feeling upset and give myself permission to rant, rave, cry, and otherwise fall apart until it goes off. But after the timer buzzes, I want to kick the victim mentality to the curb. I can still miss Spike and acknowledge that a major part of my life is out of whack without whining about it.

(That doesn’t mean I won’t be quieter, grouchier, or even more sarcastic than usual. I am a grown woman trying to be mentally and emotionally healthier, not a saint!)

As an old friend (with whom I need to reconnect…start working on that, minions! ;-) ) reminded me in her comment, I am still one fully-fledged person within a two-person team. There can still be growth and happiness and fulfillment and interest in my life, even during a deployment.

Depolyment Update #1: Am I normal?

Several people have asked me why I don’t update my blog frequently anymore. The short answer is, after Spike’s career course, I have rarely found Army life to be amusing. And I try to keep the bitter/angry/frustrated posts to a minimum.

The longer answer also includes the fact that I’m writing a lot more for work than I used to (I work as a copywriter/ghostwriter, and create material ranging from whole books to press releases to blog posts for my firm’s clients). Usually, the last thing I want to do after work is stare at the computer screen and keep typing. That’s also why my former plans to write a trashy romance novel during deployment fell by the wayside! For now, I prefer to focus on the writing that contributes to my paycheck.

To update those who are curious, Spike ended up deploying in mid-May after a few false starts. At the beginning of June, I packed up my Mini Cooper with enough luggage to see me through the summer, shoehorned the dog in too, and drove to my ancestral home of North Carolina. I’ll be staying with family here through the end of August (probably).

The upsides: I’m not in Kansas, of which I am not a fan. I can go into my actual office every day instead of telecommuting (read: my days now include forced social interaction and I am not a hermit). I can drive an hour or so on the weekends and visit good friends who live nearby. I’m mostly enjoying the time with my parents and grandmother. But I know that I’ll be ready to go back to Kansas and live “my” life by the end of the summer. It kind of feels like I have gone back in time to my pre-marriage self right now—except I am married, which means I don’t quite “fit” into that prior life, and it’s not as comfortable as it used to be.

Of course, changing my geographical location hasn’t changed the facts that:

• Deployment SUCKS
• I miss Spike A LOT
• Time is moving at a glacial pace and needs to speed up

I’ve heard a lot of good metaphors for deployment, and now I’ll add mine to the pile:

You know that feeling you have when you wake up from a wonderful, awesome, transcendentally great dream? For a little while after you get out of bed, before the dream fades, you feel a mixture of sadness, frustration, and dread because you just want to be back in that fantastic dream, and you know that whatever your day holds can’t be as good as what you just experienced. For me, that’s deployment. A constant sinking feeling because reality is just lacking. Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming; mostly it just lurks on the fringes of whatever I’m doing to some degree.

I really am trying to live my life while Spike is gone. I go to work and spend time with my family in the evenings. On the weekends, I go visiting and crash friends’ guest beds (highlight so far was attending a Wing-Fest and eating lots of buffalo wings). I’ve completed a few art projects, including crafts for Spike’s care packages and a portrait of my friend’s in-laws that she’s giving her FIL as a birthday gift. And I’m looking into the possibility of taking a few fiddle lessons over the summer—currently making inquiries from a few local instructors.

All in all, I think I’ve done a pretty decent job of establishing a routine. But I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not my “old self.” (Is anyone with a deployed spouse?) I’m never quite as happy as I used to be. I’m not unfailingly positive. Sometimes it’s a struggle to go through the motions. I feel “blue” and hollow a lot. And I do have bad days during which I’m grouchy, negative, and just can’t summon up a smile.

That said, I don’t wallow. I do my utmost to shed any tears in private. I don’t blabber on about how much I miss my husband to everyone in earshot. (I get the feeling that nobody really wants to hear it.) And yet—here’s my rant!—anytime I am feeling down, a shocking number of people tell me to “try harder.” To “get over it.” To remember that “this is about Spike, not about me.” Even to “be less dependent on Spike for my happiness.”

Maybe this is because I’m not currently living in a military community? I guess many of the people around me genuinely don’t get it? Still, it’s frustrating. I want to shake them and scream, Hey! My husband is in a war zone for almost a year! How long have you been apart from your spouse?!? This IS a big deal, for both of us! How could I NOT be affected? I love that man so, so much, and OF COURSE he is now an integral part of my happiness! I can’t just conveniently forget about him and the role he plays in my life, nor would I ever want to!

Women (and men) who have been there, am I overreacting? Do I need to just suck it up and bury any evidence that life has lost its shine while my husband is in Afghanistan? Or is this normal and okay? I’m asking honestly here, as this is my first deployment as a spouse. Thanks!

I'll end on a positive note. Spike is on a larger base, and for $65 a month, has Internet in his room. So usually, we get to FaceTime or Skype for a few minutes before he goes to bed. I know how fortunate that makes me as the spouse of a deployed servicemember. And believe me, our talks are the highlight of every day. Wherever in the world he happens to be, whether it's in Afghanistan or next to me on the couch, I am such a lucky woman to be Spike's wife.

Note to Self:

Husband's impending deployment is probably not a good reason to sing "If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me..." under my breath.

Fortunately, Spike thinks it's funny and joins in with "Ooh ooh ooh no baby please don't go."


Honestly, I'm feeling pretty fortunate because Spike was originally told he'd leave at the end of April. We were less than 48 hours from "the drop-off," his bags were all packed and by the door, and his entire family was here to see him off...and then. And then we found out that his chain of command had somehow distributed completely incorrect information, and that no one, Spike included, was EVER slated to deploy on the original date. So we got a three-week reprieve.

We didn't have enough advance notice or flexibility to plan a big vacation, but we have squeezed in two weekend getaways. And every afternoon when I finish work, Spike is downstairs waiting to hang out. We both agree that we've spent more meaningful time together since the end of April than we did in the entire year during which he was a rear detachment commander.

So, my faith in the Army Gods has been restored somewhat. (Somewhat being the key word here.) We'll see if I'm still singing that tune at the end of the week.

I need an attitude adjustment.

I really didn't think anyone would read my blog after such a long silence. (Over months and months of feeling stuck in a so-so groundhog day, I really wasn't feeling much inspiration to write. Also, newsflash: apparently I'm a real Debbie Downer.) But there's nothing like that fun word--deployment--to make a stalled blogger start hitting the keyboard again. Those awful thoughts can only circle your mind for so long before you need to get them OUT, or else.

All of the comments on my last post didn't make be feel "better," exactly; I'm not sure "better" is in the offing for anyone preparing to send a spouse to a war zone. But they did make me feel less alone, which might be even more valuable.

I live on a military base. I'm very much an introvert so I don't have a wide social circle, but in my neighborhood and while volunteering at the USO I do meet lots of people with spouses who have/are deployed or will be deploying. With only a few exceptions, most people who hear that Spike is deploying stick solely to the positives. Like, It'll make your marriage stronger. You'll get to fall back in love all over again when he comes home. You'll have the opportunity to meet lots of amazing women who are also in your shoes and focus on sisterhood. You can write and paint more. Etc. I know all those things are true, and I know that the people saying them are offering me good advice and a perspective that I sorely need to adopt. But at this moment, it's not working.

The thing is, right now, all of those comments make me want to grind my teeth together and perhaps commit an act of violence. Not to the person encouraging me; just in general. After all, I don't want to have to fall back in love again. I didn't get married to focus on sisterhood or to write and paint; I got married to be with the man I love! I have to stop and remind myself that the following is true, as infuriating as it might be to hear: "You married him. You knew this was a possibility when you said 'I do.' And even now, in this situation, you still wouldn't think of doing anything different for even a nanosecond."

But what I remember reading somewhere once is also true: If you see a baseball flying toward your face, it doesn't hurt any less on impact just because you saw it coming. 

Anyway, I'm rambling away from my point. Here it is: It really, really, helped to read, "Deployments suck." Having that acknowledgement from others who have been there is really what I need to hear right now. And also, it's easier for me to believe encouragement from someone once she--or he--has uttered that simple statement. Hearing it from a couple good friends here on base has also helped immensely because I know I'm not the only one who doesn't always have the stomach to put a positive face things. Because of what everyone, here and online, has shared, I'm going to believe that once the goodbyes are said I'll feel more like focusing on all of the silver linings.

The "D" Word

I knew the "d" word would apply to us eventually. I guess I always assumed we'd have more warning, though. Right on the heels of Spike's 13-month rear-detachment command (during which he was at the office 60-80 hours a week, called in at nights and on weekends, unable to leave the immediate area, and only able to take 5 days of leave--can you tell I'm frustrated?) he will be transferred to a unit that is deploying. At this point we are told it will be for a year, not for 9 months. We found out two weeks ago, and we're looking at a departure within the next month to month and a half.

I'm sure everyone with a soon-to-deploy spouse is angry at something. My "something" is the fact that I practically lived with a ghost for the past year, and now my husband will be gone altogether. However irrationally, I feel that the Army asked us to put our personal plans on hold last year , and now we have to defer all of that--travel, weekend adventures, visits to see family, and heck, dinner without being interrupted by a work call--yet another year. It's like I'm watching the grains of sand in our pre-child, just-us hourglass trickle away unused. I'm tired of my husband being told that I, his wife, am not allowed to be his priority.

I know, I know, I'm hardly the only one who has experienced this sort of thing. But it's much easier to be angry than to let myself feel all of the other emotions. Shock, terror, worry, anxiety, and even anticipatory grief. If I let myself explore beyond the anger I just break down. The intensity of it scares me. I start to cry, and literally feel like my world is crumbling around the edges. I wonder how I will manage to exist for that long without Spike here. I feel as though the lights in my world are about to be turned off indefinitely. Thinking about spending more time with friends, going home to see my family, and picking up new hobbies doesn't help; not really.

That's when I realize how fortunate I was to have Spike here with me last year, no matter how hard he had to work, how tired he was when he came home, or how little freedom we had. At least I could touch him every day, kiss him at night, and know that the person whom I love most in the world was here and loved me back the same way. When I think about him leaving, I realize just how much I need him to feel whole and happy.

It really amazes me that millions of men and women have gone through this same tsunami of emotions during this decade-plus of war. I know that a majority of them had to feel the same way I do, but in most cases, you'd never know it. We're so good at putting on the "It will be hard, but I'll be all right, so don't worry about me" face. I'm already doing it myself. We don't let many people see that while we're continuing on with daily life and doing what needs to be done, there's a part of us that feels like it's hurtling toward a breakdown.

Logically, I know that I can "do this." We can "do this." Spike and I grew closer and fell more deeply in love during this challenging rear detachment command, so I know we will survive a deployment. But it's still scary as hell.

Summer Run-Down

It appears that I blog in cycles. I didn't realize it had been this long since my last post, though! Here's a quick recap since the end of June:

• I am now working 30 hours a week and volunteering at the USO center here on post. I enjoy it and feel a lot more connected to the community.
• I went blonde and am now back as a redhead...that's ultimately what I want to see when I look in the mirror.
• Spike and I got to go on vacation! We had less than a week's notice to plan it, but we weren't about to allow an opportunity to escape get away from us, so we went to Winter Park, Colorado. LOVED it. 
• We painted an accent wall in our living room and in my office, so our space is a little less generic. Take that, government housing!
• For the past two months temperatures have regularly been around 110 degrees. I had NO IDEA that Kansas was this miserably hot! Finally, we're down in the 80s.

On a more somber note, it's been an emotional summer.  As you may know, Spike became a rear-detachment commander for a unit two weeks before it deployed to Afghanistan. The deployment has taken a terrible toll: five soldiers killed and over 50 wounded to date. My good friend's husband was one of the wounded...on two separate occasions. It's one thing to know that this happens in the abstract, and another to attend memorial services and interact with family members. Spike has been the notifying officer for most of the injuries and delivers eulogies I help him write at the memorial services. He has also made several trips to Texas military hospitals to visit wounded warriors from the unit. Because Spike is the rear-d commander and has these responsibilities, I think I know more about the situation downrange than many families who receive generic updates through FRG channels. Sometimes I wish I were much more ignorant, as there is a possibility that after this command Spike might be assigned to a unit that is deploying next spring.

Those are the facts; I really don't know what to say about how I feel about this other than that these incidents make me angry, terrified, devastated, and other gut-churning things I can't accurately identify. And that is with my husband home, however crappy his job might be. To say that I admire the families whose loved ones are downrange is a vast understatement.

Let's end on a good note, though. Tomorrow is our one-year anniversary! It has definitely been the best one of my life.

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In: 24 June, 2011

It's been awhile since I've done a Fill-In. So back to the fun! If it tickles your fancy, join in and read other responses at Wife of a Sailor!  

1. Are you a different person than you were five years ago? submitted by Sisterly Thoughts
Let's see...five years ago I was getting ready to start my senior year of college. So yes, I think I'm very different than I was then. My core values haven't changed, but I do believe I've done a lot of growing up.

2. If you could go on Amazing Race, who would you take with you as your partner and why? submitted by Thoughts from a Poekitten
I've only watched a few episodes of the show, but I think Spike would be the natural choice. We work well together, and more to the point, he's got all those Army survival/endurance skills. He can fly a plane, is a certified rescue diver, and is a decent mechanic. Plus, he'll eat just about anything.

3. Does Facebook or Twitter actually bring more stress or good in to your life? submitted by Just an Arizona Girl
I don't "Do the Twitter," but I am on Facebook. For me, it's pure entertainment. I don't post often, but I lurk and observe quite a bit. I'd say it's a good thing.

4. June is National Soul Food Month- what’s your soul food? submitted by NH Girl Displaced
Pinto beans and all types of Mexican food!

5.  If you could live in any other era than the current, which one would it be & why? submitted by Sugar in My Grits 
Tough question. History is my academic passion, but as I think most historians would agree, you couldn't pay me any amount of money to actually live in my era of interest (the Middle Ages, specifically; Anglo-Saxon pre-Conquest England). I would observe daily life from INSIDE the time machine. If I had to pick an era, I guess I'd go with Regency England, but only (warning, I'm about to be classist) if I could be a member of the gentry or aristocracy.

Lucky

I wrote my "Angry!" post last week mostly for myself, just to vent. I was touched by the number of sympathetic responses I got: a couple of comments here, a very nice email from a friend, and several phone calls from people I didn't even realize read this blog! Thanks, guys.

In one of those funny twists of fate, the day I wrote the post Spike actually made it home at 6:30 and we got to spend a few hours together before going to bed. He didn't know I'd written about my frustrations, but (for those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother) in one of those Marshall-Lily telepathy moments, started talking about his rear-d command and how he wasn't happy with the effect it was having on our little family. Without being prompted by me, he echoed many of my own frustrations--which was exactly what I needed to hear. He actually made me get a little weepy-eyed by picking up his favorite picture of us and saying something along the lines of, "Every time I see this picture I'm reminded of the fact that I tricked the best woman in the world into marrying me. I hate that I'm not able to give her all of the love and attention she deserves right now. Eventually something will have to give, and it's not going to be my family."

I'm pretty sure I don't deserve him.

Anyway, we talked about what the future might hold for us after this command is over. It's pretty much a big, giant unknown. Spike doesn't necessarily WANT to get out of the military, but since his commitment ends next February, we're going to a job fair tonight just so he can start getting an idea of what some other alternatives might be. It never hurts to be informed.

And lastly, randomly, here's a photobooth strip Spike and I did the last time we stuck our heads into the mall.

As you can see, he thinks it's hysterical to lick me.

Angry!

I just need to get it out there: I'm angry. A lot. Just when I think Spike's schedule has gotten as bad as it can be, it gets worse. We're only 4 months into his rear-detachment command, and I already feel like I've had as much as I can take.

My husband is home (aka not deployed), but he's hardly ever really home.When he finally gets to come home from the office (usually after a 14 or 15 hour day), he's understandably too drained and tired to do much of anything other than sleep. He's also at work a fair amount on weekends. And when he and I do try to make plans, it seems as though he gets called in or has to stay late, without fail. I don't even look forward to the rare date night anymore because we can pretty much count on his phone buzzing in the middle of dinner. Then I get dropped off at home, pissed and disappointed, while he has to deal with the latest crisis.

I'm angry because this is not what I envisioned our first year of marriage being. (Welcome to the Army, right?)

I'm angry because our marriage and I always come second to Spike's job. Things that are important to me and even to Spike aren't important to the Army, so we just have to deal.

I'm angry because the only time I'm able to have a meaningful conversation with Spike is on the weekends (if we're lucky).

I'm angry because soldiers who get DUIs, are arrested, or do other ill-advised things get priority on his time and attention, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I know that's part of the job, but I think my cheerful forbearance ran out after the first 20 incidents or so.

I'm angry because if Spike stays in the Army he's going to deploy, and his time here with me really hasn't been what either of us would like it to be. On a daily basis, there's typically little to no time for "us." And somewhat more frivolously, we can't get away! I don't think going on vacation for a long weekend with my husband who has over 60 days of leave built up should be too much to ask, but apparently it is. I'm not gunning for the big trip to Ireland we want to plan, just 4 days at the beach. Or heck, even one night in Kansas City! (Although deep down, I really do want to take awesome-young-married-couple trips, the kind that might not be feasible once kids come along. Time is ticking.)

I'm also angry because Spike is working himself into the ground, literally giving everything he can to carry out his responsibilities, and is getting very little thanks or appreciation for it (that I can see, anyway). His attitude, patience, and perseverance are much better than mine would be if I were in his shoes. I think he deserves heartfelt recognition for the hundreds of things he does well every day, but instead he just gets grief for the few things that weren't completed to others' satisfaction.

The worst part is, I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not angry at Spike, he knows that, and I'm not about to take my frustrations out at him. I'm angry at circumstances, and I'm really having a problem cheerfully making the best of them. It's very important to both Spike and me that we grow together, not just co-exist in the same house. It scares me that there's much more of the latter going on, and that this will probably be the case at least until next spring.

I know that I might sound ungrateful, whiny, and selfish in this post. But I think we've all been there. At least with the military, I keep telling myself, everything is temporary. On the positive side, I'm still very proud of Spike for getting this command position, even if it makes me want to punch multiple people in the throat most days. And I've met a few spouses in the unit with whom I click pretty well, which is fabulous.

Dinner with a picture

Yesterday, I had a nice dinner with my friend Jenna and her husband. Jenna and I were dressed up, and her husband was looking pretty shiny himself. Our meal consisted of goat cheese bruschetta, filet mignon, champagne, and blackberry-lemonade ice cream. We were celebrating Jenna's second anniversary with her husband...who attended the meal in framed-picture form. He had his own chair and everything, and we addressed comments to him throughout the meal. He's deployed right now, so it was the best we could do.

I was very honored to be his conversational fill-in! Our waitress got into the spirit of the thing as well, and put a lit candle in the ice cream to mark the occasion.

Sometimes it's heart-wrenchingly obvious that life as a military spouse isn't "normal." But it can still be good with the help of friends. Here's to Jenna's husband's safe return so that they can, as he wrote on the card he sent with her flower delivery, "try to do one of these together next year."

Should I book it?

I haven't posted much recently because life has felt rather "blah." But I get the sense that I might be about to break free of the daily-grind quagmire in a big way. It has taken longer than I'd expected (don't most things?), but it's looking like I'll finally be cutting back from full-time work this month. I don't know how quickly the drawdown will happen, or even if this will be the final outcome, but I think my eventual goal is to be "contracted" in to do project work for my company instead of having a set-in-stone daily schedule. We'll see.

So, what am I going to be doing in my free time? Several ideas have been percolating, but the one I want to share with you poor sods (apparently my inner British gent is coming out, but I'm too lazy to delete that phrase and think of something new) is a book idea! I'm honestly thinking about writing a book, and I'm fairly committed to the idea.

A few weeks ago my neighbor Jenna and I were talking about how a lot of books for military spouses are great at giving you information and how-tos. So great, in fact, that you get the sense that if you learn enough and are prepared enough, military life will be straightforward. You'll know what to do, when to do it, and where to go in every situation. You'll never be surprised! Meanwhile, as your confidence builds with each chapter, the Military Gods are rolling in the floor and peeing their pants with laughter. (And that's not even mentioning the books that talk about etiquette, how to write the proper thank-yous, and when to wear white gloves.)

Now, Jenna and I are not trying to downplay the info-centric books and manuals. Not in the least. But we also said to ourselves, "Hey, don't you think other spouses in our situation would appreciate a more story-based book about the realities of the first year being a MilSpouse?" We're envisioning a short, witty, irreverent book in which each chapter contains one or more humorous stories on a certain topic; for example, the Commissary, On-Post Housing, Deployments, and Making Friends. We'd be aiming for the tone of Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life, without all the sleeping around. Perhaps Jenna and I are delusional narcissists, but we think that, between the two of us and our other acquaintances, we can come up with some compelling tales. Which I may test drive here on the blog.

The only book in this genre I've heard of is Mollie Gross' Confessions of a Military Wife. (I've never read it, and might continue to avoid it so I don't accidentally steal stuff from her.) Mollie is a Marine wife, so I figure there's at least a nominal niche for an Army book.

So, my questions are: is this a good idea? Would you read such a book, assuming publishers didn't laugh uproariously upon receiving the manuscript? (And is there a whole list of MilSpouse humor books of which I'm currently unaware? If so, please tell me!)

Easter Images

Me looking like an Easter egg.

Sunday walk along the river--wouldn't mind if this became a weekly ritual.

Dying eggs with friends

These egg-dying kits have gotten a lot more intense than they were in my childhood.

The fruits of our labors.

...We tried to dye the tip of Ellie's tail. You can see a faint blue color there now.

Me!

Spike! 

 

 

Ellie!